News from the Natural World: Dogs have declared themselves the top species on the planet after manipulating humans for centuries.
The Global Council of Species had gathered for their weekly conference. The canine representative has declared that dogs the world over are ready to formally announce their claim as top species. This comes after centuries of carefully manipulating humans.
The declaration took the GCS by storm but the council was in no doubt that dogs did outrank human beings. This was because of conclusive statistical evidence as well a meticulous plan of domestication over centuries. The canine species was shown to have planned the move right from the beginning and was ready to emerge and reveal their elaborate plot to the world.
It was crucial that dogs perpetuated the myth the humans had in fact domesticated them rather than the other way around, they knew that humans were vain, self serving and as long as they believed it was their idea they would continue to serve canines loyally. The classic myth of the “Wolf and the Hunter” was born, a myth which stated that early hunter gatherers had gradually fed wolves and captured their cubs to breed and raise them as their own for hunting and protection. However this was revealed to be false and wolves had deliberately realised that they could get humans to hunt for them and do the majority of the work.
Dogs declare themselves top species
Then followed a great period of diversification. Dogs understood that the key to their dominance lay in becoming a peri planetary species. They knew that humans constant need to tinker and fiddle with nature could play into their hands. So they carefully manipulated humans desire to create and tinker. They’d select the cutest, smallest, largest, fastest and match them to the relevant human groups. This was so that they could become even more specialised and advanced. This “Great Bound Forward” was crucial for the canine species and catapulted them into the lives of humanity.
Entering the 20th century the canine species then presented the next key milestone. This was whether they could flourish in an urban domain and rule the households of humans. One of the key challenges was the canine desire to poo outside rather than in a toilet. However, when dogs realized that humans would follow them and pick up their poo they knew the plan was finally succeeding.
The tipping point and moment of almost unanimous agreement from all canines came as the plan entered the 21st Century. Evidence was shared that canines were being cared for like human babies. Some even had their own instagram accounts as well as millions of followers. On average they are far happier than your average human. They had almost abolished the need to work as well. Over 90% of canines were no longer “working dogs” and effectively lived lives of leisure. They had no worries about money, careers, love or “finding themselves”.
The Global Council of Species looked at all the evidence and was in unanimous agreement. Canines were right and they effectively declared that dogs were in fact the top species on the planet. There was however one dissension amongst the ranks, rumour has it the cats weren’t very happy about the decision.
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