“Jesus retracts fish miracle – replaces it with vegan sausage roll miracle”

News from the Natural World: Jesus Christ has announced that he will be retracting his famous fish feeding miracle and replacing it with a 'vegan sausage roll miracle' instead.

News from the Natural World: Jesus Christ will be retracting his fish feeding miracle and replacing it with a ‘vegan sausage roll miracle’. Critics have argued that this is part of a “greenwashing” campaign to overhaul the image of Christianity.

Jesus famously fed an entire village of people with a miraculous catch of fish. A large group of apostles were fishing unsuccessfully in the Sea of Galilee when Jesus told them to try one more cast of the net. They were rewarded with a great catch of countless fish. This became known as the “Miraculous Draught of Fish” and it is believed to be one of his proudest moments.

Jesus vegan sausage roll
Jesus after being “cancelled”

However, Jesus received a large amount of criticism from vegan and vegetarian groups. They argued that this so-called “miracle” was, in fact, a merciless and unnecessary slaughtering of countless innocent lives. On top of that, some said that fish were sentient beings after all. Many continued to harass Jesus on Twitter. They vented their frustration and threatened to “cancel” him for this miracle. Finally, they argued that it only supported the unnecessary consumption of animals as well as cruelty.

Jesus vegan sausage roll miracle

After weeks of criticism, Jesus eventually responded. He stated that the “original miracle had been bastardized and distorted by the Devil”. Jesus claimed that in the original miracle he hadn’t helped to raise a bumper crop of fish. Instead, he had told the apostles to cast aside their nets and leave the fish. He ordered them to the shore and told them that hunger couldn’t be satisfied by taking another beings life. He then proceeded to mutter something under his breath and swirled his arms around. When the apostles opened their eyes there was huge feast of vegan sausage roll stretching far over the horizon.

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