News from the Natural World: God has announced he made a HUGE mistake by saying that humans ‘may rule over all the creatures that move along the ground.’
In a colossal reversal, the almighty father has decided that this particular sentence of the Bible has caused so much damage that he is removing it. God originally delegated his ultimate power over all his creations to mankind. He said that humans were to “have dominion over the animals” (Genesis 1:26). One of his followers David then remarked that “You made humans rulers over the works of your hands; you put everything under their feet.” (Psalm 8:6). This was continually reinforced throughout the Bible. Mankind was always meant to “subdue” the earth as well as exercise control over all the flora and fauna.
God admits mistake
After waking up from a 2,000-year long nap (the average time for a celestial power nap). God was absolutely horrified at the sight that awaited him. Earth had been plundered, destroyed and ravaged by the species he trusted the most. He saw that humans had destroyed almost 40% of all invertebrates, that the world was facing a 6th extinction and that some of his favourite creations had vanished. When he read about the Dodo he was clearly distraught. He appeared at a press conference looking disheveled, turning to the cameras and addressing the crowd;
“The Dodo took me ages to create. I modelled them on the perfect bird & you homosapien sacks of sh*t killed them all in the blink of an eye”
“A conservationist handed him a long piece of paper that contained the names of animal and plant species. God read in disbelief through the 322 extinct animals. Then he scanned through the nearly 5000 types of flora and fauna that were classed as critically endangered. He could no longer contain his emotions. Tears fell to the page and his hands shook with rage. Never again would this happen and he bellowed;
“68! 68 LEFT! There’s more people in this f**king room! 68 Javan Rhinos left in the whole world, this has to be a mistake, I spread thousands of them all over Asia. They took me a whole morning, do you have any idea how hard it was to come up with all the different varieties of the rhino, that little horn was my pride of joy!”