News from the Natural World: God has published a new list – “10 Things I Hate About Humans”.
God has released a new list detailing all the things she has begun to hate about the human race. She wrote the list after becoming increasingly disillusioned with the useless sacks of meat that she spent a whole afternoon creating. Find out the Top 10 things God Hates About Humans below;
1. Putting Bananas in Plastic Packaging
Do you have any idea how long it took me to design the perfect natural packaging!? It’s fully biodegradable, durable and waterproof. Why the f**k would you idiots need to put it in plastic packaging!!??
2. Burning Fossil Fuels
You do realise that I created the Sun!?? It’s a HUGE ball of hydrogen and helium that generates all the heat and energy you could ever possibly need. Stop burning fossil fuels you sacks of sh*t and starting investing in renewables. I even gave you wind, wave and geothermal just in case!
3. The Dodo
The Dodo was one of my favourite animals you bast**ds. I used to keep one as a pet and you idiots killed them all, for what? For food!? Haven’t you guys heard of nuts, carbs, dairy, eggs, fruit and vegetables!?
4. Flat Earthers
Do you have any idea how long it took me to make the perfect sphere!?
You’re getting awfully close with those telescopes. Can’t a girl have some privacy!?
I’m a women you bloody idiots.
7. Organised Catholicism
Have you idiots read the Bible!? My son was an extreme socialist as well as liberal. He rejected all wealth and preached to save and look after the most vulnerable in society. In what part of the Bible did it say build huge churches full of gold and protect child molesters!?
8. Donald Trump
I’m not explaining myself on this one, also really!?
9. Gap Years
How many flights did Archie take on his round the world trip? Was that carbon footprint really worth it for Florence to find herself!? One holiday a year you greedy bastards!
10. Animal Cruelty
You do realise that humans are animals right? I created you no mightier than the earthworm. Not only are animals your equal, what gives you the right to torture them? Without a doubt the nearest celestial being capable of recreating all life on earth is billions of light years away. I sure as hell ain’t doing it all over again, especially for you guys. Besides, it was the hardest 7 days of my life.
10 Things I Hate About Humans
In the end God admitted that there were more than 10 things she hated about humans. Because she had to condense the list into 10 items it took her an incredibly long time. “In the end I could have put 100 things on the list but because you made me cut down to 10 it was really hard.” Ultimately God admitted she was embarrassed by what she’d created and vowed to do better in the future.
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