News from the Natural World: Boris Johnson has started eating hedgehogs for his Sunday Roast.
Boris Johnson made the gruesome statement as the country faces drastic food shortages due to the Covid-19 pandemic. He announced that he has replaced his usual Sunday Roast dinner of Beef, Lamb or Chicken with a shocking new meat. Boris Johnson has started eating hedgehogs. He said he made the discovery as he was sat outside Chequers in the evening. A lonely hedgehog had wandered into the garden in search of slugs as well as worms. Boris’s tummy had begun to rumble as he was struck with an idea.
At first he thought that he would try and shake the little buggers hand but a distant memory flashed across his mind. Instead, he thought that underneath all those spikes must be some somewhat tasty meat. It can’t be too unlike rabbit he thought. With surprising speed he rushed across the lawn…
“You can catch them by using some drunk slugs. Once they take the bait you can then clobber them over the noggin and batter the little bugger.”
Boris revealed that he caught the hedgehog using some slugs soaked in beer. No that’s not slang for his cabinet, actual slugs soaked in beer. Once he’d clobbered, killed and taken all the spikes out he proceeded to roast the hedgehog with the usual roast potatoes and trimmings. He admitted that there wasn’t a huge amount of meat on the spiky rascals. So he compensated by eating three at once. Every single Sunday he now sits down to eat a roast dinner solely comprised of hedgehogs.
Boris Johnson starts eating hedgehogs
Good news for Boris spells bad news for hedgehogs. Hedgehogs were once found all over the UK in great abundance. But their numbers have been dropping rapidly over the last few decades. Reports suggest that there are fewer than a million hedgehogs left in the UK; down from around 36 million half a century ago. They have faced the continued destruction of their habitat as well as competition for food. They also face severe animal cruelty and in same cases have even been used as footballs. This humble and shy creature has been brutalised and pushed to the margins by the UK.
With their numbers rapidly on the decline it is feared that this news will only exacerbate the problem. But Boris is moving forward regardless. He said that because we have lost 35 million of them in a century its hardly like anyone is going to notice if I eat a few.
“Wow, wow. Hang on a minute. You’re positively disgusted if I eat one for my Sunday Roasty but you weren’t bothered when we lost 35 million of them over the last century!? Codswallop and hypocrisy I say!”
By consuming the most vulnerable animal in the UK I grow ever stronger. Just as Darth Vader feasts on hatred and anger I feast on weakness and vulnerability. It’s a strategy I’ve been using in politics for years.
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