News from the Natural World: Jesus has risen and he has decided to live in Slovenia.
Jesus, the Son of God, the Prodigal Son, Christ, Holy Son, etc, etc, etc has returned. The much anticipated 2nd coming of Christ is upon us. The heavens parted and he shot out of the sky like a huge meteor landing on top of Mt Everest. Once he landed he was, of course, stuck in the usual traffic jam and asked to wait his turn to stand on exactly the highest point. The wait took him four hours. But once he made it to the top he addressed the human race and his voice boomed out across the world;
“What the hell have you shitmunchers done!? I left you this planet to look after it but you have destroyed it. There is oil leaking from everywhere. There’s bloody billions of you and don’t even get me started on what happened to the Dodo. That was mums favorite you know. She even had a celestial one called Doris as a pet! Things are about to change, I’m sorting you gas-guzzling bastards out!”
Jesus has risen and he’s decided to live in Slovenia
The Son of God immediately shot off and traveled around the whole world. His plan was to visit every single country. He saw the scenes of devastation and destruction all around him. Jesus saw people building huge churches full of gold and treasure rather than protecting the vulnerable and looking after nature. People were worshipping and idolizing rich celebrities and businessmen who hoarded wealth whilst millions lived in abject poverty. His ears pricked as he listened to the pleas of scientists and academics ignored as people chose to listen to politicians and CEO’s instead. Someone presented him with a list of all the animals that had gone extinct. He began to cry.
Jesus had a panic attack
Tears filled his eyes, his breathing quickened and he collapsed. No one could single-handedly solve the absolute cluster f**k that the human race has got themselves into. He ultimately became disillusioned and retreated to his small lakeside cottage in Slovenia. Jesus chose Slovenia after it was named the greenest country in the world. Ljubljana is the European Green Capital and constantly one of the top sustainable destinations in the world. More than a third of Slovenia is being maintained and protected under Natura 2000. This is for the benefit of the world’s ecosystem. Slovenia is also one of the most forested countries in Europe. Finally, pristine greenery covers almost 60% of the country and top quality potable water is running from all of the lakes and rivers between the Alps and the Mediterranean Sea.
Jesus said it was an absolute no brainer. He knew that after his panic attack he needed to rest and recuperate. The Son of God wanted to take some time to get back to nature. One reporter asked him why he hadn’t gone back to his homeland, the place of his birth?
“Are you joking? It’s the least relaxing place on earth. Those guys have been fighting over split hairs for years. We invented humous, no we invented humous. The red team is right, no the blue team is right. We’re the good guys, no we are the good guys! It’s exhausting and never-ending.”
I needed a place that thought nature was the most important thing
So Jesus has risen and will see out his panic attack in Slovenia. The world watches and waits for his next move.
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