News from the Natural World: Jesus has risen and he has tried to go vegan.
Last week Jesus returned from the dead but he had a panic attack once he had seen what humans had done to the environment. He decided to move to Slovenia, the greenest country on the planet, to relax. Because he was so overwhelmed and didn’t have a clue where to start he knew he needed to start small. Diving straight into Google, he searched for a small personal act that might go some way to help saving his mums planet.
After a quick Google search, Jesus found that the easiest thing he could do was to go Vegan. There were thousands of articles online saying how becoming a Vegan would save the planet. Influencer after influencer saying that the only option was to go full Vegan. His eyes filled with tears and he knew what he had to do next.
Jesus researches veganism
He set out from his cabin in Slovenia and embarked on his life as a Vegan. He passed a local farmer high up in the remote mountains of Triglav National Park. The man was making cheese from a small herd of goats that he kept at his farm. This ancient shepherd had lived in the mountains for generations and his flock of goats was an extension of himself and vital to his survival. Jesus wanted to try some of his cheese but had read that vegans could not eat cheese from goats. He walked on distraught.
He passed an old women on his way home with a small flock of chickens, she had free range eggs. Jesus could see the chickens clucking away happily in a field behind her house. Oh wait, he thought, can’t have one of those either. Further he walked on, sad and upset.
Finally, he reached his cabin at home, the sun was setting over the lake. One of the local villagers had left a fishing rod with a note attached to it – “teach a man to fish and all that, knock yourself out God spawn”. Jesus was about to set out to catch some supper but then realised again that as a Vegan he couldn’t. He settled down upset at his new way of life.
Jesus has failed to stay a vegan
Jesus realised it was not morally or ethically wrong to consume animal products. The Inuits of Alaska had sustainably hunted seals for centuries. Undiscovered Amazonian tribes had sustainability fished for thousands of years. Humans all over the planet consumed animal products in a sustainable way. The problem was mass and unnecessary consumption of animal products as well as the colossal meat industry. The rise of militant veganism was actually a further disassociation of humans role within nature. Another attempt to prise ourselves from the animal kingdom of which we are a part of. All omnivores ate meat, the problem was that the majority of meat consumption globally was unnecessary.
So Jesus decided that he didn’t want to be a full vegan, he’d cut down his intake of animal products but would not go the whole hog. If he had the odd bit of goats cheese from the Slovenian shepherd who lived in the mountains then that was fine. If he had the odd free-range egg from the old lady who lived down the hill that was also fine. Finally, if he fancied a spot of fishing in his small lake and caught and cooked 1 fish a week, then that too was fine.
But one particularly vocal vegan influencer spoke up and said this was fake news. Jesus was and always would be a vegan, it was written between the lines in the Bible. Jesus angrily snapped back;
“I was a f**king shepherd you moron. I milked those little sheep titties dry!”
Indeed Jesus, indeed. So the Son of God has risen and this week, tried to go vegan, and failed.
TAKE ACTION – here
Discover what happened last week with Jesus – here
Find out who the Platypus is – here