News from the Natural World: Jesus has risen and humans are no longer his favourite animal.
The prodigal son returned to earth last month. After deciding to move to Slovenia and failing to go vegan he has launched his next initiative. Jesus had been spending his days foraging for food near his lakeside hut, swimming in its deep waters and hiking through the Slovenian mountains. After a long internal debate he decided that he should get a TV. He couldn’t completely shut himself off from humanity. Besides, his mother (god) would be livid if he didn’t try and do something. So Jesus resolved himself to tuning into humanity for 1 hour a day and watching the news.
He almost vomited the first morning he tuned in. He saw images of giant churches built in his image. These churches displayed him impaled on the cross with needles on his hands. Next up he heard stories of distant wars and innocent civilians being bombed in drone strikes. Furthermore he saw horrific images of healthcare workers on the frontline fighting a deadly pandemic caused by humans continued arrogance in the face of destruction of the natural world. Wild bats were never intended to be eaten in large quantities by urban populations.
Jesus was absolutely horrified at the scenes he watched on the news. He’d spent his past life trying to save them, trying to help them and even cared for their weakest. But what he’d seen on the news changed his mind. Humans were not in need of help. The rest of all species on earth was in need of protection from humans.
Jesus has a new favourite animal
In the end Jesus decided that he would abandon humanity and declared that humans were no longer his favourite animal. Jesus has decided that the Haplophthalmu Woodlice is his new favourite species. This small woodlouse is endemic to Slovenia and endangered. Jesus had discovered it one morning when searching for logs. The critter scurried away from him, at first frightened because he looked like a human. Jesus wept at this animals natural fear of a human being. But a ray of light beamed from his eyes and the Woodlouse realised Jesus was no mere human. It crawled up his hand and now lives in his hair. In fact a whole colony of the woodlice have now made their home in Jesus’s hut.
Jesus decided that the Haplophthalmu Woodlice was the perfect choice to replace humans as his new favourite animal. “It’s deliberately esoteric to showcase your utter ignorance of all the species my mum created. You’re destroying the planet so quickly that species are going extinct before you even know they exist. F**K YOU humans. I’m throwing my lot in with the rest of the animal kingdom.”
Indeed Jesus, indeed.
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