News from the Natural World: Mother Earth has become increasingly angry that humans think Octopus came from space.
Mother Earth was minding her own business and hanging out with all the other cosmic entities, playing “Age of Galaxies” and having some beers. The conversation began to drift to their favourite planets and creations. Overall the other creators weren’t very impressed with her work on Earth. Nammu, Marduk, Pangu and the others felt that too many of Earths creations were the same. 2 eyes, 2 ears, a mouth, 2 legs, 2 arms… BORING. Granted they were quite impressed with her work on Giraffes, Wobbegongs and Narwhals. But they still felt they weren’t THAT impressive. But Mother Earth had an ace up her sleeve.
There was one animal on the planet that she was more impressed with than any other. It was her labour of love. She had spent days upon days coming up with all of its various parts. She knew it was by far the weirdest creature she’d ever created, it was unlike anything else she’d done on earth. The other creators would be so impressed that they’d have to shut up forever. It was the ace up her sleeve. It was the Octopus.
Mother Earth angry at humans
She leaned across and told all the other cosmic entities about the Octopus. The gods many eyes bulged in wonder just at the sound of its name. She told them that it had 8 large tentacles covered in large suction cups. They could change the colour of their skin and were poisonous. Octopus also had large bulbous heads, three hearts as well as blue blood. Also they could squirt ink to deter predators and had no bones. In addition they were incredibly intelligent, could squeeze into tiny spaces and could also use tools. She’d even created one Octopus called Paul who could predict football scores!
All the creators were incredibly impressed. But Marduk had opened up his iPad and was scrolling through pages about the Octopus. He screamed out with delight! There was article after article written by humans saying that the Octopus was from outer space, which meant Mother Earth couldn’t had created it! How dare those human sacks of s**t dare say the Octopus was from space. It’s my finest hour, my weirdest of weirds! “Pass me that bloody iPad”
Mother Earth furious that humans think Octopus came from space
But it was true. A group of 33 scientists worldwide—including molecular immunologist Edward Steele —published a paper suggesting that octopuses may indeed be aliens. They said that “The genetic divergence of Octopus from its ancestral coleoid sub-class is very great … Its large brain and sophisticated nervous system, camera-like eyes, flexible bodies, instantaneous camouflage via the ability to switch colour and shape are just a few of the striking features that appear suddenly on the evolutionary scene.” The paper then suggested that octopuses arrived on Earth in “in icy bolides from asteroids several hundred million years ago.”
All the Gods were laughing at Mother Earth. She was distraught. The Octopus was her crowning glory and humans didn’t even believe that she could have created. Mother Earth was so angry with humans. She decided to quadruple the size of the Octopus brain and change their feeding habits to humans.
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