News from the Natural World: God has returned and she’s started eating humans to combat climate change.
The Platypus can exclusively reveal that the All Mother, Heavenly Lady and all round Big Momma, God, has returned. After seeing her son rise up she knew it was time to dust herself off and return to earth. Jesus had returned a few weeks ago to settle in Slovenia, fail to become a vegan and join the war against the human race. His mums return was going to be a lot different.
When God awoke she looked out across the earth to see what had been going on. She had been checking in every celestial hour (2000 earth years) so wanted to see what had happened since her last glance. She wished she hadn’t. Whilst she was expecting the odd war, some extinction and general evil she was shocked by the horrific levels of rampant violence. Those humans had really run wild. Despite being very confused by things like schisms, nuclear bombs, racism and mormons, it was the 6th Extinction that most scared her.
Those pesky humans had really run amok, she nearly choked on her breakfast when she saw that the human population had risen to 7 billion. 7 billion, bloody hell, they really twisted my sons words didn’t they. When she saw that this population was going to rise to 10 billion by the year 2050 she knew she had to do something. The earths ecosystems were collapsing under the weight of human greed and species were disappearing at alarming rates. Whilst she didn’t particularly care about the fate of humans she really did care about the other Great Apes.
God has started eating humans to combat climate change
It was the Orangutans, Chimpanzees and Bonobos who were going to become peaceful spacefaring intergalactic species. They were going to evolve watching the constant mistakes of humanity and would learn by watching their greed and destruction. This was the plan all along but that was under threat because Great Ape numbers were dangerously low. God knew she had to intervene in the quickest and most efficient way possible. She started eating humans.
God revealed that her favourite humans to eat were the Billionaires and the top officials of the worlds FTSE 500 companies. Particularly Oil & Gas, Petrochemicals and Timber. God was confused by the old argument that these super wealthy billionaires created wealth that trickles down to the rest of humanity. If these guys are so incredible at creating wealth then why are billions of people poor? Why do 1% of the worlds population hold more than the remaining 99%? It seemed blatantly obvious that they were just creating wealth for THEMSELVES.
So she began her gigantic feast. God revealed that on a good day she could get through 500,000 humans, sometimes 750,000 if she didn’t have a big breakfast. Her intervention has immediately successful and the worlds population is rapidly dropping, reversing the disastrous fate for animals all over the planet. Many humans were horrified, “what will happen to us when we die, what about heaven, what will we see?”
“The only thing you’re going to see is the bottom of the holy toilet.”
Sterling stuff. You heard it here first. God has returned and she has started eating humans to combat climate change.
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