“Peregrine falcons have started stealing human babies”

News from the Natural World: Peregrine falcons have started stealing human babies.

News from the Natural World: Peregrine falcons have started stealing human babies.

Peregrine falcons all over the UK have ruthlessly begun stealing human babies. Reports started circulating online of children being snatched from their cots. Many parents carelessly left windows open or bedroom doors ajar. Others said they’d simply been in the garden with their toddler. All of a sudden their child had vanished. At first there were only a handful of reports but more and more started appearing. No one could explain what was happening until someone accidentally caught it on camera.

One parent had been filming their child in the garden when all of a sudden it disappeared right in front of their eyes. They watched the footage back in horror and after switching to slow motion saw a grey blur swoop down from the sky and snatch the human child. Once they slowed down the video by a factor of 100x they saw that the grey blur was in fact a bird. Then they consulted an ornithologist who confirmed that the bird was a Peregrine Falcon.

Peregrine falcons stealing human babies

Peregrine falcons stealing
Peregrine falcons stealing human babies

The Peregrine falcon is a large, crow-sized falcon, it has a blue-grey back, barred white underparts, and a black head. They are renowned for their speed. On average they can reach over 320 km/h (200 mph) when they perform their infamous high-speed dive, also called a ‘hunting stoop’. Not only are they the fastest bird on the planet they are the fastest of any animal. One bird was even clocked at an absolutely monstrous 389 km/h (242 mph).

The Platypus knew these birds personally and was sure they wouldn’t be attacking human babies for no reason. We managed to secure an exclusive interview with Phoebe the Peregrine who elected to act as a spokesbird. Phoebe said that they had overheard a report from Natural England that gave them permission to take up to six human children per Peregrine falcon. It was law. They could take them from the houses or gardens of the human parents. This was all so that the Peregrines could raise the human babies in their nests for entertainment and to sell to other Peregrines at lucrative prices.

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