News from the Natural World: Secret documents show that animals started World War One.
World War One was believed to have started because someone bought a sandwich. History says it was because a chap was a bit peckish and nipped off for a spot of lunch. It was this decision, by Gavrillo Princip that led to an opportunistic assassination and kickstarted a chain of events that kickstarted the worlds first global war. The sandwich thing and also the inevitable self fulfilling prophecy of endless violence and destruction perpetuated by humans across all of time. For the last 100 years this has been the established historical thinking.
But the Platypus can exclusively reveal that this is only half of the story. There was a deeper layer to the onion and a hidden agent provocateur. This sleeper agent was an Earwig. That Earwig started the First World War. The Earwig community recently released the diaries of Ernest the Earwig, a prominent lifelong spy. Ernest was part of the “Order of the Flaming Fauna”. It was this secretive group that started everything.
Animals started World War One
The “Order of the Flaming Fauna” was set up in 1889 by animals who were worried about the rise of humanity. They had watched on as the industrial revolution, human expansion and travel had wrecked havoc on the natural world. Species were being pushed to the brink by human greed. They’d already lost the Dodo, the Great Auk, the Moa and the American Bison. They knew they needed to stop the humans now or it would be too late. They set up a plan to try and get the humans to destroy each other.
World War One started by an Earwig called Ernest
The humans were doing a pretty good job of doing this themselves. Through rapid escalation in tribal tension and an armament race, anger was spreading across Europe. The animals knew that that all this tinderbox needed was a carefully placed match. They sent their top agent, Ernest, to Sarajevo to light the match. Earwigs had earned their nickname through their habit of hiding in peoples ears and influencing their political decisions. It was originally spelt Ear-Whig but over time was shortened to Earwig.
Ernest entered the house of Gavrillo Princip in Sarajevo on 28 June 1914. He climbed into his ear whilst he was sleeping and spent the morning lodged in his ear. This was the morning Gavrillo and members of Young Bosnia intended to assassinate the Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand. After a series of mistakes and missed opportunities the attempt had led to nothing. Gavrillo was going to head home but Ernest whispered into his ear. He urged him to go and get lunch. After all his hard work he must be hungry, with one final whisper he uttered the words “B.L.T”.
The rest is history as they say. With Ernest in his ear Gavrillo went off to get that sandwich and a series of events unfolded. The animals had hoped that humanity would completely wipe each other out. Maybe they’d do the rest of life on earth a favour. Unfortunately things turned out differently. Humans decided to use more animals than ever before in the conflict. Ultimately millions of them suffered horrific abuse and death because f**king humans couldn’t agree on some lines on a map.
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