News from the Natural World: Jesus has risen and joined the animals in WW3 against humans.
The Platypus can exclusively reveal that Jesus has taken up arms and sided with the animals in the greatest war planet earth has ever seen. Jesus had been peacefully residing in his mountain lodge in Slovenia, gardening, fishing, and eating the local eggs. One morning he turned on the news and heard that the animal kingdom had declared war on the human race. Armadillo tank squadrons, Condor kamikaze attack battalions, and Guerrilla Gorillas had all marched forth. The world was watching with bated breath to see which side Jesus would join.
Jesus took all of 2 seconds to decide which side to join. If the humans won then all life on earth, every single plant, animal and the entire biodiverse web of life would be at risk of total extinction. On the other hand if the animals won then only one species would be negatively affected, the humans. All other plants, animals and life would be positively affected. He immediately joined up with the animals.
Jesus joins war against humans
The Platypus managed to secure an interview with Jesus. He said that he had no choice, the right thing to do was to join the animal army. His mother had created ALL life on earth, not just humans. If destroying one species meant saving everyone else, then so be it, he would fight. In addition he said that he would truly be focusing his efforts on killing Christians. Jesus said that 99% of Christians really didn’t get it, in fact they’d almost entirely missed the point of his teachings. He would teach them a lesson and refused to turn the other cheek.
In the Battle of Peking Panda, a huge army of Panda’s had marched on Beijing. They launched a full-frontal assault on the city targeting transport hubs and military bases. The human forces fought with fierce determination against them and set up drone squadrons to target the Pandas rear. Just as the human forces were gaining the upper hand and the Pandas were suffering heavy casualties a bright light appeared on the horizon. Jesus teleported into the middle of Beijing and immediately begin launching his favorite weapon at the human army, Holy Hand Grenades. The human soldiers withered under the blistering attack and the tide of battle turned.
Jesus joins animals in World War Three
Jesus appeared again and again at the decisive moment of key battles. At the Battle of the Golden Gate Bridge he led a stealth squad of Humpback whales who leapt out the water and destroyed the bridge from below. Furthermore at the Battle of Oxford Circus just as humans were decimating a legion of Pigeon fighters Jesus stepped in and started smashing humans to pieces with his Holy Cross. All over earth Jesus was intervening at the crucial moment. But it wasn’t until the the Bisons Last Stand that he really got into gear.
The Bison squadrons of North America had been waging a bloody campaign of retribution against the human’s most lethal force, Christian Evangelists. Their lethal battering raids had proved deadly but in the end, the superior weaponry and constant bullshit of the Christian forces were beginning to takes its toll. For the second time, the Bisons were on the brink of extinction. As the Bisons met the Christians for one last final battle, they readied themselves for the Last Charge of the Bison. They thundered down the hill when out of nowhere Jesus appeared riding on the back of the lead Bison. The light blinded the Christian forces and Jesus shouted his bloody curdling battle cry… “Not in My Name!”
The animal kingdom is heralding the Bison victory as a crucial turning point in the war against the humans. Jesus’s decision to join the animal army in WW3 could prove decisive.
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