News from the Natural World: Animals have declared the 21st century the March of the Moron.
Animals all across the world have shown a rare display of unity. They have collectively banded together to fight for a common cause, the declaration of the new official name of the 21st century. The new official name is the ‘March of the Moron’. Every century the great philosophers of the animal world come together to christen the new age with a fitting name. These philosophers are always made up of the wisest of the Owls, the most erudite of the Orangutans and the uttermost sagacious of Dolphins. In addition, these three animals always form a triumvirate, the 3 Wise Animals. No moron animals allowed, we’re looking at you hyenas.
The morons march forth
Every century the wisest of their generation is chosen to be part of this triumvirate. This century the Owls elected ‘Oswald the Grey’, the Orangutans chose ‘Gertrude the Wise Woman of the Forest’ and the Dolphins elected ‘Derek’. Oswald, Gertrude and Derek retreated to their natural sanctuary to ruminate and decide upon a new name for the 21st century. They decided to look back upon the great work of their forefathers. The previous 3 Wise Animals had given all previous centuries fitting names. Finally, they looked through some of their favourites;
- 150th century BC = The Great Time of Plenty
- 110th century BC = The Desolation of Domestication
- 70th century BC = The Fall of the Felines
- 1st century BC = The Great Pretender
- 18th century BC = The Song of the Wailing Whales
- 19th century BC = The Rise of the Infernal Machines
- 20th century BC = The Age of Almighty Hope
The 150th century was named ‘The Great Time of Plenty’ because it was before the rise of the human and the 6th extinction. Humans lived into scattered hunter gatherer tribes and the majority of animal species were safe from persecution. The 110th century was called ‘The Desolation of Domestication’ as it was when humans first began enslaving their animal brethren. In addition, the 70th century was the treacherous betrayal of the cats. They left the animal kingdom to domesticate themselves and rule over the humans.
The March of the Moron
They named the 1st century BC ‘The Great Pretender’ when a usurper from the human world rose and stole the mantle of creation from Mother Earth. Also, they named the 18th century after the horrific slaughter of the Whales. In the 19th century the humans escalated their industrial revolution which catastrophically impacted the animals world. Finally, they named the 20th century ‘The Age of Almighty Hope’ as the humans developed the capacity to do the world a favour and wipe themselves off the face of the earth. The great hope for the animals was the great human invention, the Atomic Bomb. On top of that there was also a chance that a rise in ecological awareness might change the humans course. Alas, this was too prove to be a wild unrealistic hope.
At the turn of the 21st century the animals had waited. They didn’t want to choose a name as they had hoped that the humans might change course from being such a bunch of morons. They watched on as more and more people became aware of the impact of mans greed on the natural world. The great priests of the human world, the Scientists and Environmentalists, fought a valiant fight for justice. Climate Change entered the collective human conscious. Books such as the 6th Extinction were bestsellers. In addition some animal species were being saved from the brink of extinction. However this was all too good to be true.
The tipping point for the 3 Wise Animals was when the False Orangutan and leader of the Free Humans, Donald Trump, made a moronic decision. He decided to take the USA out of the Paris Climate Change Agreement. The animals couldn’t believe it. Surely the humans wouldn’t allow this? It was mutually assured destruction. They must protest, they must rise up and overthrow him. They watched on as some trust fund bunnies from Islington dressed up as Broccoli and danced around London. Extinction Rebellion they called themselves. Was this it thought the animals?
21st century the March of the Moron
Unfortunately that was it. The 21st century saw the collapse of the natural world, the alteration of the climate, the melting of the icecaps, colossal bushfires, deadly coronaviruses and the greatest extinction of life on earth in millennium. What had the humans done? Well, they’d left it up to children. Thats right they’d left it up to 15 year old Swedish girl with autism to speak out and lead the fight. What had the adults done? Voted for Brexit, elected Donald Trump and created Love Island. Truly the pinnacle of stupidity. The human race was clapping at their televisions and squabbling over politics whilst the earth around them collapsed.
The 3 Wise Animals declared the 21st century the March of the Moron.
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