News from the Natural World: A Sabre Tooth Tiger has eaten a Rewilding enthusiast.
Filbert Otter had always loved the natural world, he grew up spending his time learning all about the animals of his local woodland in Devon. As he got older he began to learn that humans had sent thousands of animals to their extinction. The expansion of the human race had even resulted in a 6th extinction of all life on earth. One day he read “Feral” by George Monbiot and it changed his world. “Feral” introduced him to the concept of “Rewilding”.
Rewilding is a new progressive approach to conservation. It is all about letting nature take care of itself, enabling natural processes to shape land, sea and restoring lost species. The books tells of ancient animals roaming the landscapes of Britain. Filbert began to dream of Mastodons roaming the Brecon Beacons, of Wooly Mammoths migrating across the Cairngorms and Terror Birds stalking the New Forest. But most of all Filbert wanted to see his favourite ancient animal, the Sabre Tooth Tiger.
One Friday afternoon Filbert was down at his local pub waxing lyrical about the Sabre Tooth Tiger. One of the local punters had grown tired of his abstract meanderings into a lost time and shouted at him;
“If you love rewilding so much why don’t you piss off back to the bloody Pleistocene!”
This drunken insult had the opposite effect, it lit a spark of creativity in Filberts mind. He would bring to life the dreams of “Feral” and he would bring the ancient animals back. So the next morning he purchased a huge tract of land in Scotland and started rewilding it. He replanted native species and reforested the entire area. In addition he contacted a secretive Russian scientist who was attempting to bring back extinct animals using their DNA. As permafrost in Siberia was melting his team was uncovering perfectly intact bodies of many long lost animals. A few bitcoins later and Filbert was the proud owner of a whole menagerie of ancient animals.
His pride and joy was his Sabre Tooth Tiger. Filbert set off to roam about his new ancient paradise, he had succeeded, he had rewilded a corner of the world. No more central heating, no more Netflix and no more takeaways. He wandered off into his new wilderness to be at one with nature. But something had happened to the ancient animals, they had remembered what the humans had done to them.
Rewilding enthusiast eaten by Sabre Tooth Tiger
All of the ancient animals were watching him, their eyes following this human whose ancestors had caused their extinction. The Mastodons, Wooly Mammoths and Terror Birds were enraged! Filbert was completely oblivious and was feeling pretty pleased with himself, at that moment he stretched his arms in the air and screamed out in joy “REWILDINGGGGG”. At that exact moment a Sabre Tooth Tiger leapt out of a tree and clenched his jaws around his head. With one loud crunch she broke his neck, hauled him off into the woods and ate him for breakfast.
Finally, Filbert found out the hard way that ancient nature was truly tooth and claw. The Platypus can confirm that for the first time in thousands of years a Sabre Tooth Tiger has returned and the first thing it did was eat a re-wilding enthusiast.
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