News from the Natural World: The UN has finally declared that all animals belong in zoos.
The United Nations has passed a controversial law stating that from this day forward all animals officially belong in zoos. The law has received widespread support all over the human world. For hundreds of years humans have been trying to exploit the natural world. They constantly mined its rich finite resources to increase their personal wealth. However, this was made harder by the fact that millions of species of animals shared the planet with the humans. Some of these animals were so beautiful and majestic that they inspired some humans to try and protect them. This caused delays and annoyance for the large scale corporations plundering the natural world.
They knew that there had to be a solution to the animal problem. Every time they wanted to mine for oil or log a forest some annoying animal got in the way. Of course they often just went ahead with it anyway and did it illegally. But officially removing road blocks would ease the delays and cost less. This was especially true in the case of Antarctica. In Antarctica huge numbers of animals got in the way of raping the continent for its mineral and gas resources. Luckily the humans came up with a solution and started to campaign and petition the UN.
UN declares “Animals Belong in Zoos”
All of the Oil and Gas companies ruthlessly lobbied and petitioned government officials, think tanks and cowardly pseudo-scientists. They green-washed their campaigns and hired PR liars to hide their ambitions. They even asked the UN to declare that all animals belonged in captivity. In addition to this, every single animal in the wild was to be rounded up and moved immediately to the nearest zoo. The argument was that the animals true home was in a cage. They envisaged a world where humans could do absolutely everything they wanted and not a single animal lived outside the zoo.
The animal rights groups and conservationists thought that this was madness. They were sure the tactic wouldn’t work. Either the governments or the UN wouldn’t accept the lies and money being rammed down their throats. Or humans all over the planet would rise up and demand freedom for wild animals. Sadly neither of these things happened. The UN and Government gladly accepted all the bribes and humans all over the planet were oblivious as long as their Netflix remained accessible.
Finally gets animals ‘out of the way’
Ultimately some humans even agreed that animals belonged in zoos – one human interviewed said “Me scared of animals. I don’t understand them so it makes me feel insecure.” One man in Singapore had even called the government to complain that there was a Hornbill bird outside his window. He said they should get the bloody animal back to the zoo where it belonged. The man was also shocked when he was told that Hornbills belonged in the wild. “A bird? Belong in the wild? Are you bloody mental. Get that winged bastard back in the zoo!”
As the conservationist and animal rights activists broke down in tears the UN officially passed the resolution. Finally, from this day forward all animals will officially belong in a zoos.
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