News from the Natural World: Bald humans are more at risk of being shat on by a pigeon.
The Platypus can exclusively reveal that pigeons really do prefer to shit on the heads of bald humans. Reports had been circling in London, England that more and more baldies were getting pooped on by dive bombing sky rats. In addition, videos showed huge flocks of screeching pigeon bombers swooping and swerving at human crowds in Trafalgar Square. Then at the final moment the pigeons would zero in on a single target and shower them in a tidal avalanche of gelatinous bird crap. Every single time the target was a bald human.
Pigeons shit on bald humans
Video after video began to emerge showing exactly the same behaviour. Pigeon swarms targeting and shitting on bald humans. In every video the unsuspecting victim would emerge from the attack looking like an abominable shitman. White pigeon poo blurring their eyesight, seeping into their pores and stinking to high heaven. They would stumble off, humiliated and embarrassed. The pigeons would swirl off into the sky, grinning and smiling as they hit another bald headed target. But why were the pigeons targeting bald people?
Like a fried egg on a saucepan
The Platypus managed to secure an interview with the leader of the Pigeon gang, ‘The Fluttering Faeces”. The leader was a particular grotesque looking bird called Steve the Stool. Steve was one of the greatest poopers of all the pigeons. He told us that for too long the human race had abused the Pigeons. They were fed up of being kicked, of being thrown scraps of food and called Sky Rats. Humans ridiculed and abused the Pigeons. Furthermore, they were seen as dirty and disease riddled. But Pigeons, almost more than any other animal, had perfectly adapted to the urban, filthy world of humans. They had learned to live alongside them and adapt to the dirty conditions that humans created. Are humans not the ultimate creators of waste? It was time for the pigeons to get their own back!
The Pigeons decided to hit the humans where it would hurt the most, the male ego. They would target the humans where they were the weakest and highlight the insecurity of all bald men. Hoping that this small act of shit stained humiliation would bludgeon the human race into submission. The Pigeon revealed they wouldn’t be sparing people who wore wigs. Their next target was a certain orange haired American politician.
In conclusion, Pigeons will continue shitting on bald humans.
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