News from the Natural World: Brexit has been abandoned after a Hedgehog ate the no deal documents.
The Platypus can exclusively reveal that the Great British Shitshow, also known as Brexit, has been abandoned. The shocking revelation follows an accidental intervention by a mysterious four legged critter. Boris Johnson had been aggressively pursuing a no deal Brexit in the wake of the Coronavirus Pandemic. No Deal was being weaponised as a way to literally cut the UK off from Europe once and for all. Work on the no deal documents had been feverish and frantic. Just as it was nearing completion an unlikely intervention changed the course of history.
Boris Johnson and his mad-eyed ostrich snake, Dominic Cummings, had been up for 48hrs non stop working on the final draft. As they both signed the final page, they set down the no deal documents and rewarded themselves with a drink. They had done it, they had finally completed the draft that would allow themselves to reveal their true identity to the world. The master and the apprentice, once more the Sith would rule the UK. Not since Darth Thatcher had a Sith Lord reigned supreme. However, Johnson and Cummings had made one fatal error as they slipped off into a deep sleep, they’d left the back door to the garden open.
Brexit abandoned after Hedgehog eats documents
A Hedgehog named Herman had wandered into Johnsons back yard. His little nose sniffed the air as he picked up an unrelenting stench. He was drawn towards the house and finding the back door open, stepped into the living room. For hedgehogs are one of the few known Coprophagists, otherwise known as animals who eat shit. And this plucky little Hedgehog called Herman had never seen such a massive pile of stinking shit as the no deal documents that lay before him. He licked his lips, checked that Johnson and Cummings were still asleep and starting eat the whole damn lot.