News from the Natural World: Catholic Missionaries have failed to convert Chimpanzees to Catholicism.
Catholic Missionaries are one of the most peculiar branches of humans and have long been one of the greatest plagues on planet earth. For hundreds of years they have travelled the globe trying to persuade other humans to believe in a complete load of nonsense. Not only would they attempt to brainwash other humans into believing that humans were more important than animals, that being gay was unnatural and that women weren’t equal to men. They also used Catholicism to mask horrific crimes, exploitation and subjugation of millions of other humans. They burned human women as witches, slaughtered indigenous humans as ‘savages’ and whitewashed Jesus into a white western human. Oh and they also protected human child molesters. Good old human Catholics.
But the Catholic Missionaries were not just happy with converting over 1 billion people to the lunacy of their belief system. They decided to turn their attention to the animal kingdom. They had wrecked enough havoc on human kind and decided that now was the perfect moment to convert the first ever animal to Christianity. But which animal would the Catholic Missionaries choose? Despite rejecting most, if not all, of the facts and evidence of science they decided that just this once they would listen to the data. They decided to select the animal closest to the human species in terms of DNA and genetics. They chose the Chimpanzee.
Chimpanzees refuse to listen to Catholic Missionaries
As with all good Catholic Missionaries Africa was their favourite hunting ground so the choice of a community of Chimpanzees in Gombe Stream National Park in Tanzania was right up their church aisle. They trekked into the jungle, found the Chimpanzees and set about trying to convert them. They read long passages from the bible whilst feeding them bananas, they set up rainforest confession booths and admonished the Chimpanzees for committing sin after sin. But something went wrong. The Chimpanzees just wouldn’t listen. In fact not only would they not listen they actively started attacking the Catholic Priests. Shouting and screeching and attempting to drive them away. The Platypus managed to secure an interview with the leader of the Chimps, David Redbeard.
Redbeard the Chimpanzee said “There is absolutely no way that we are listening to these weird apes. They have been casting strange looks and perverted glances towards the young male Chimpanzees of our group. In addition they have been saying the oddest things. They abstain from sex! It’s properly mental. To us Chimpanzees, it is the most unnatural thing any living being could possibly do. Why on earth would we ever listen to these sexless apes?”
Wise words indeed from the Chimpanzee community. Finally Catholic Missionaries have tried and failed to convert Chimpanzees to Catholicism.
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