News from the Natural World: Cats have started hijacking Tinder in order to select potential humans to serve as feeders.
Strange reports had begun circling in the animal world of rampant usage of dating apps. The mice heard whispers from the rats, who’d heard gossip from the pigeons, who’d spotted the use of the dating apps. The reports stated that an animal was using the dating app Tinder. Not only was it using it, but it was also abusing it for nefarious means. That animal has now been confirmed to be the Cats.
The Cats had reportedly started using Tinder after observing their human slaves frantically using the app. They would watch on as their human minions would stare blankly at their phones and continuously swipe right. Their human slaves became mindless swiping drones and their eyes turned into feeble squares. The Cats knew there was a huge opportunity for exploitation. Unlike their idiotic human’s slaves, they would turn Tinder to their benefit rather than become its mindless drones.
The Cats hacked the algorithms to create Cat Tinder. Cat Tinder flips the humans dating profiles into potential human slave profiles for the cats. It transforms their banal and generic bios into adverts regarding their skills at serving the Cats. “Loves hanging out with friends, Aperol Spritz and lolz” has now become “Bringer of Tuna tins, provider of ear rubs and pooper scooper”. The Cats immediately started swiping right, selecting their perfect human minions based on their ideal characteristics. But that wasn’t even the clever part.