News from the Natural World: Cats have started hijacking Tinder in order to select potential humans to serve as feeders.
Strange reports had begun circling in the animal world of rampant usage of dating apps. The mice heard whispers from the rats, who’d heard gossip from the pigeons, who’d spotted the use of the dating apps. The reports stated that an animal was using the dating app Tinder. Not only was it using it, but it was also abusing it for nefarious means. That animal has now been confirmed to be the Cats.
The Cats had reportedly started using Tinder after observing their human slaves frantically using the app. They would watch on as their human minions would stare blankly at their phones and continuously swipe right. Their human slaves became mindless swiping drones and their eyes turned into feeble squares. The Cats knew there was a huge opportunity for exploitation. Unlike their idiotic human’s slaves, they would turn Tinder to their benefit rather than become its mindless drones.
The Cats hacked the algorithms to create Cat Tinder. Cat Tinder flips the humans dating profiles into potential human slave profiles for the cats. It transforms their banal and generic bios into adverts regarding their skills at serving the Cats. “Loves hanging out with friends, Aperol Spritz and lolz” has now become “Bringer of Tuna tins, provider of ear rubs and pooper scooper”. The Cats immediately started swiping right, selecting their perfect human minions based on their ideal characteristics. But that wasn’t even the clever part.
Cats have started to hijack Tinder
The Feline techies further hacked Tinder so that the human on the other end of the app wouldn’t see a Cat profile but instead a beautiful human. Then the human would invite the “date” over for dinner expecting a fellow human to turn up. But obviously no human would turn up and the sad human would feel rejected and lost at being stood up. The perfect cue for the Cat to show up meowing at the window. The human would be so overcome at seeing the Cat in its moment of despair that it would immediately began lavishing love and attention on it.
The Cats had created the perfect model and hacked Tinder for their own evil means. Cat Tinder is set to become the animal kingdoms most downloaded app.
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