News from the Natural World: Jesus has risen and is incredibly shocked that humans trusted Donald Trump over human Scientists.
Months ago Jesus returned to the human world, abandoned the human race and joined the animals in their war against humanity. He proved to be the decisive factor in the vicious war and after intervening at the “Battle of the Last stand of the Bison” it seemed as if the animal forces were gaining the upper hand in WW3. But like all celestial deities he had grown weary of the trials and tribulations of mortal beings. Rather than finishing off the humans, he decided to take a few weeks off and returned to his cabin in the woods in Slovenia.
Jesus decided that he would spend his week off from the war reevaluating the human race. Despite his horror at what they had done to Planet Earth whilst he had been away for2,000 years, he thought that there might be a glimmer of hope. Perhaps the humans weren’t all so bad, perhaps they weren’t all that stupid. He hooked himself up to the internet and set about researching the human race. After getting a bit distracted and spending a few hours in a Youtube spiral watching videos about Mormons and Amish people, he finally got back to researching the humans, hoping to find a shining light amongst the human’s destruction of the natural world. Time after time the internet was telling him about the greatest human country on earth, the United States of America.
Trump vs Scientists
There were millions of movies, books, tv-series and songs about how great America was. This piqued Jesus’s interest but when he looked into the American humans he was shocked. These humans were far from the glimmer of hope he thought they might be. They didn’t believe in climate change, they refused to stop mining for fossil fuels, they had left the Paris Climate Change Agreement and they were turning their back on the Endangered Species Act. Despite all the overwhelming scientific data and evidence, they chose to ignore the facts and turned their back on the natural world. But why Jesus thought to himself!?