News from the Natural World: Prince Andrews pet newt Adolf has officially filed for legal separation from the Sex Predator Duke.
Our fellow satirists and esteemed journalists at the human publication known as The Daily Mash exposed Prince Andrews rather bizarre choice of pet some years ago. They revealed that the Prince had a fondness for all things amphibian and was the proud owner of a newt. In addition, this newt had a rather controversial name. He was called Adolf. But Adolf wasn’t just any old newt, he was a smooth newt.
Smooth newts are brown in colour with spotty, orange bellies. These black spots extend up the throat. During the breeding season, males have a wavy crest along their backs. Adults can reach up to 10cm long from nose to tail. They can be found all across the UK but our poor friend Adolf found himself living with Prince Andrews after he was captured from the wild. We managed to secure an exclusive interview with Adolf.
Prince Andrews pet newt has had enough
Adolf told us that he had been minding his own business one morning in his neighbourhood stream when a large shape blotted out the sun. A horrible slimy hand leered down towards him and without his permission grabbed him. The hand smothered his body and stuffed him in a bag. The next thing he knew he was in a tank in a human bedroom and staring straight into the eyes of the Prince. What right did this human have to put his filthy hands all over Adolf and snatch him without permission? Well, it seemed that Prince Andrew had a penchant for that sort of thing.
Over the years Prince Andrew pet newt Adolf caught glimpses of his human masters true nature. He would see clippings from newspapers, hints on the television and listen in on phone calls. Adolf knew what had been going on and he was fed up of this slug like cowardly human controlling him (and thats an insult to slugs really). Adolf knew he had to escape the clutches of this weird human. What was so special about him? Why were the other humans protecting him? Apparently it was due to some ABSOLUTE NONSENSE about him being royal. Adolf wasn’t quite sure what ‘royal’ meant but it had something to do with some old nazi sympathising German family who claimed to have blue blood.
Adolf knew there was only one course of action available and decided that he would file for legal separation from Prince Andrew. No longer would he be his newt!
TAKE ACTION – now
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