News from the Natural World: God has come out as pro-climate change after admitting to having a seriously strange fetish.
The Allmother, Freya, Big Momma – aka God who created the heavens, earth, the sky has admitted to a new secret. In the past she has largely left earth to its own devices, letting events unfold naturally and without her intervention. Granted she has stepped in a few times to intervene. First off to hurl a meteorite at the dinosaurs as they were getting a bit terrifying. Have you seen a Megalodon!? Secondly to build the Great Pyramids of Giza and align them with the stars. Finally, when she accidentally dropped her son Jesus off on the wrong planet on his first day of school. Other than those three times she rarely got involved with the goings-on on earth. After all, she had plenty of planets to tend to. But at the turn of the 21st century, many humans and animals were calling for God to intervene again.
Planet Earth was witnessing the destruction of the ozone layer in addition to catastrophic global warming. Furthermore, humans had caused an unparalleled 6th extinction of all life forms. In addition, the ice caps were melting at an alarming rate. It was this last point that most infuriated the denizens of earth. The Penguins had formed a powerful union and were aggressively lobbying for God to intervene on their behalf and reverse the effects of climate change. They argued that if she didn’t the Penguins and many other species across the polar regions, would be facing extinction. However, it turns out God had her reasons for not getting involved.
God admits to having a flood fetish
You see, God had a rather toxic and all-consuming fetish. God admitted that she wouldn’t intervene and had secretly been encouraging humans to melt the icecaps. She’d been waiting for over 2,000 years for another proper good flooding. She had got swept up in the events of Genesis and decided to return Earth to its pre-creation state of watery chaos. However, she got a bit carried away and the flooding got a bit out of hand, but she couldn’t stop herself, it just made her really wet. Eventually, she reversed the process and reluctantly returned Earth to normal.
Since then she’d been good, patient and managed to contain herself for centuries. But it had been too long since her last flood and she been helping steer the humans toward another colossal flooding. It turns out Big Momma just really needed to get her flood fetish fix.
TAKE ACTION – NOW
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