News from the Natural World: The CEO of BP has admitted to liking drowning baby birds in the bath in his spare time anyway.
Bernard Looney was appointed Chief Executive Destroyer at BP in February 2020. He previously ran BP’s Upstream business from April 2016 and has also been a member of the company’s Illuminati Management Team since November 2010. Bernard has spent his career at BP demonstrating ruthless leadership and vision as he progressed through various roles within the company. He has mentioned Sergo Beria, the Bolshevik, as his primary inspiration. He has continued to steer BP towards its aim of mining every single piece of economic natural wealth from Mother Earth. But Bernard and his compatriots at BP have come under fresh criticism from the human and animal world.
Some humans are particularly annoyed by the fact that every once in awhile BP is responsible for a rather large environmental catastrophe. One such catastrophe in 2010, the Deepwater Horizon spill, was a particularly big cock-up. It resulted in more than 200 million gallons of crude oil being pumped into the Gulf of Mexico for a total of 87 days. It was the biggest oil spill in U.S. history. 16,000 total miles of coastline were affected, including the coasts of Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida. It ravaged marine ecosystems and destroyed seabird populations. Seabirds are especially affected as the oil clogs their feathers and drowns them in sticky horrifying deaths. But Bernard didn’t see what all the fuss was about. For you see he had a secret hobby all of his own.
CEO of BP likes drowning seabirds anyway
Bernard Looney, the CEO of BP, declared that he didn’t understand why people were so upset about these disasters. Humans always bombarded him with pictures of oil clogged seabirds which frankly only mildly irritated him. He had this to say “I really don’t see what the big deal is. I’ve been drowning baby seabirds in the bath as a little treat every single Sunday for the last 10 years. It’s difficult to still get your kicks once you’ve reached the top. When you’ve made as much money as I have by directly destroying the natural world it all gets a bit disconnected. Of course, I knew how many animals lives I was killing but I was just in the board room. I couldn’t really feel their pain or get close to it. I knew I needed to do something on the side to get that thrill. Drowning a baby seabird with my bare hands in the bath every Sunday really does it for me.”