News from the Natural World: Protests have erupted across the UK against Santa’s climate footprint.
The protests started after an aggressive campaign led by “Self Righteous Lunatics R’Us”. SRLRU are a militant ultra hard left wing political group. Detailed data was provided which showed the colossal size of his carbon emissions as well as flight times. This data had been collected over decades as “SRLRU” wanted to highlight the size of Santa’s contribution to climate change.
The data showed that Santa had clocked up a total of 986.4 billion air miles. He had to cover such a vast distance in order to visit every child in the world. He also had to do this every year since 1843, the year of his birth. On top of this his 7 reindeer had produced over 7 million metric tons of methane. That was from 7 reindeers emitting 6 farts per flight on average. Finally, the data also showed that because Santa used chimneys as his entry point, he dislodged soot. Because he disturbed so much soot as he went down chimneys this then went up the chimney and into the atmosphere.
Protests erupt against Santas climate footprint.
The data clearly showed his colossal volume of air miles, constant methane emissions from his reindeer and soot dislodgement. Huge protests erupted once the data was public. Many people marched on the streets and vented their anger at Santa. They waved banners and placards and as the anger rose the protests became violent. People began burning images of Santa as well as destroying presents. One protestor even shouted;
“Think of all those mince pies we left out for you. 1 for every household. That’s over 3 billion mince pies every year. F**k off you big bearded red and white bast**d.”
Santa was not happy with the protests. In fact he was incredibly angry because he knew the data wasn’t true. He confronted the angry crowds with tears filling his eyes. He shook with anger and told the crowd that they had created him, that it was incessant desire for more presents and objects that had consumed him. The human population had skyrocketed due to its inability to accept that death is a natural part of natures life cycle. Just you try sorting out presents for over a billion children every year.
“I used to make things you greedy bast**ds. I’d spend hours making little wooden toys back in the 1800s. But now you all want 15 super soakers or 10 barbies. It’s endless. I can’t keep up. Every list from every child gets bigger and bigger every year!”
Santa was humanities Frankenstein monster.
He also pointed out that it was impossible for his reindeers to reduce their methane emissions. Every household left out a carrot. Just you try to stop farting after consuming over a billion carrots in a couple of hours. He also said he’d love to come in through the front door instead of the chimney. But humans had created the myth that he came down the chimney so he had to keep it up. With a red face and tears in his eyes he stormed off.
Santa was humanities Frankenstein monster. Created by our fast paced rampant consumerism and constant need for more things.
Despite Santa’s comments the protests against his climate footprint have continued. This Christmas’s demonstrations will be the most violent yet as we all fail to grasp that we are the problem.
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