News from the Natural World: The Great Apes decide to stop evolving after seeing how humans turned out.
A groundbreaking ecological decision was made at this years Gathering of the Thumbs, also known as the Conference of the Great Apes. This annual conference gathers all the Great Ape species together. The Great Apes are a taxonomic family of primates that includes eight species in four genera; Pongo, the Bornean, Sumatran and Tapanuli Orangutan. In addition to the Gorilla, the Eastern and Western Gorilla. As well as Pan, the Common Chimpanzee and the Bonobo. There is also one other species in the list, the Homo, or human, but they were voted out of the Great Ape family decades ago after consistently being a huge bunch of assholes. With all species gathered they set about discussing the most important topic of the day. How could they counteract the atrocities wreaked upon the natural world by the humans?
The Great Apes were unanimous in their assessment that the humans had truly gone past the point of no return. They had evolved into a vicious and devastating animal, arguably the single greatest threat to all life on earth. So the Great Apes decided that they would never turn out like the humans. They had to stop evolving lest they suffer the same fate. They belonged to the same family, they had similar characteristics and behaviours. The Great Apes were terrified that they would become like the humans so they vowed to stop evolving and never become like humans.
The Great Apes Don’t Want to go the Way of Humans
But the humans weren’t bothered by the decision. They said that they had actually managed to nearly wipe out all the Great Ape species anyway. Once they’d done that it didn’t matter how they turned out because there wouldn’t be any left. The Great Apes greeted this arrogance with derision. The humans hadn’t realised that if all the Great Apes stopped evolving then Mother Earth would be forced to step in. You see she had meant for one of the Great Ape species to overtake humans and become the peaceful guardians of life on earth. But the Great Apes weren’t prepared to wait any longer. Mother Earth would be forced to act and eliminate the human race.