News from the Natural World: Mt Everest grows by 1m and tells K2 not to panic as it “wasn’t a dick measuring contest”.
Nepal and China jointly announced the new height of Mount Everest as 8,848.86 meters in a high-profile virtual ceremony held earlier this week. The ceremony included their Presidents exchanging letters and their foreign ministers were in attendance. This was all aimed at showcasing both a deepening strategic relationship and the amicable resolution of a long-running debate. Everest – also known as Sagarmatha in Nepal and Mount Qomolangma in China – was “an important symbol of the China-Nepal friendship”, China’s President Xi Jinping said, calling it a “peak of China-Nepal friendship”. But why was the height of Everest so contentious?
The real reason is that China, Nepal and India have long been involved in a dick measuring contest of epic proportions. They are using the ultimate phallic symbol to squabble over the size of their phallus’s. But it wasn’t just about peckers, the new height gives China an advantage in the climbing stakes as well. This is because on the Chinese side you can drive up on a motorable road right up to the base camp. In addition, China is also fervently training mountain guides so it can lead summit attempts from their side and gain access to to the lucrative tourism trade. But was the new height correct after all?
Mt Everest Grows By 1m – “It’s Not a Dick Measuring Contest”
We managed to secure an interview with Mt Everest herself. Unlike the humans, we thought it pertinent to actually ask the mountain itself. Mt Everest had this to say “To be honest its not just the countries that are at it. It’s all kinds of humans. For decades there has been loads of human blokes having dick measuring contests all over me. Honestly you should see them all. They queue up and scramble over dead bodies, steal oxygen from each other and pay their way to the top. It’s all one big charade, they’re all just trying to prove that they don’t have teeny weeny tiny Willys.”
Mt Everest went on to say that the new height was an absolute farce anyway. She’d told K2 not to panic, it didn’t mean anything as neither K2 nor Everest was the biggest mountains on planet earth. It didn’t matter how many humans tried to measure their wangs against each other. Mt Everest said “We all know there is only one mountain on earth that truly deserves the title, it’s called Mauna Kea. Whilst it only stands 13,796 feet above sea level, the mountain extends about 19,700 feet below the Pacific Ocean. Over half of it is submerged. That puts the total height of Mauna Kea at about 33,500 feet — nearly a mile taller than me and K2.“
But the humans wouldn’t have it because it wasn’t hard enough, they couldn’t prove anything by climbing Mauna Kea. So it was back to measuring off on Everest and definitely proving the point once and for all.
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