News from the Natural World: Mount Everest has been found guilty of murder by lawyers after a human climber perished on the summit.
Last month a climber named, Richard CEO died whilst attempting Mt Everest. He is the owner of FTSE 100 company “Don’t Look at the Size of My Penis”. Mount Everest is the highest point on the planet and stands at 8,848m. It was first climbed by Helga the Himalayan Jumping Spider in 1952. Two humans then climbed it in 1953. In fact, every year hundreds of humans pay huge amounts of money to be practically carried up the mountain by local human guides known as Sherpas. These humans then claim to have conquered the Mountain but in truth, they wouldn’t have even got to Base Camp if it wasn’t for the local human Sherpas.
After Richard CEO from “Don’t Look at the Size of My Penis” perished on the summit an interesting set of events unfolded that would change the course of legal history for humans, animals and even the landscape.
Mount Everest Guilty of Murder
The family of Richard CEO put together a legal team of the greatest human lawyers. All of the most brilliant human lawyers were involved, Sleazebag McDougal, Rip Off Ryan, Grandma Swindler Gerald and even McSneaky F**kturd. They put their Sapien craniums together and came up with a confounding and insane concept. They were going to sue Mount Everest for murder in the 1st degree.
The human lawyers argued that Mount Everest had deliberating formed a murderous peak over millions of years. It had knowingly covered itself in slippery ice, freezing conditions and deep and dangerous creases. In addition it repeatedly hurtled avalanches down its flanks and bombarded human climbers with aggressive weather. Furthermore, the legal team continued that Mount Everest had committed first degree murder against their client as well as every human who perished on its summit. They argued that the humans were not responsible for their deaths. It was the mountain that had a duty of care of which it had failed.
Mount Everest guilty of murdering climbers
In response, Mount Everest assembled its legal team. The Chief Defence Attorney was to be Mother Earth, she would fight for the mountain. She stated that the human’s claim was complete and utter hogwash. Mother Earth counter-argued that the humans were bloody plonkers and they didn’t have to climb the mountain. If they chose to do so they did so at their own risk. Whilst this seemed like a logical argument Mother Earth had misunderstood the human legal system. It wasn’t common sense or logic that prevailed but rather who had the most expensive lawyers. Since Richard CEO had the most expensive on the planet the case was a no brainer. Finally, Mount Everest was found guilty of murder.
So Mount Everest has been placed on death row, rumours circulate that for its final meal it has asked for frost as a starter, snow for the main course and more Rich Human CEO’s for pudding.
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