P*ssed Off Slow Loris is Brewing Up An Absolute Bugger of a Zoonotic Disease

News from the Natural World: A P*ssed off Slow Loris has been brewing up a particularly bad case of the sniffles, but why?

News from the Natural World: A P*ssed off Slow Loris has been brewing up a particularly bad case of the sniffles, but why?

Cibil the Slow Loris had had a really tough year in 2020. He’d been minding his own business in the steaming jungles of Sumatra when one evening a blinding light pierced his eyes. Startled by the glare he tightly clasped the branch he was holding and froze in terror. The next second a stinking hairy hand grabbed him and stuffed him into a bag. His first thought flashed to his darling wife Simone, was she safe? He couldn’t leave her to raise their children alone.

The next morning he awoke to find himself in a cage, some humans were leering at him. The next second they pinned him down and pulled out each of his finger and toenails with a pair of pliers. The agony was unbearable. Then the pliers rammed into his mouth. His teeth were pulled out one by one. What had Cibil the Slow Loris done to deserve this torture?

Slow Loris
What the f**k are you doing humans?

Cibil vows revenge on humans

Cibil had been stolen to be sold as a pet in the illegal wildlife trade. Every year thousands of Slow lorises are poached from the wild. Then they are illegally sold on the street or in animal markets. Humans desired these shy animals as their pets. But having a Slow Loris as a pet encourages the trade and therefore pushes these extraordinary animals closer to extinction. Often whole families living in the wild will be captured for the pet trade. Lorises are transported hidden away in dark, overcrowded and poorly ventilated containers. The stress of this transport results in a mortality rate of between 30% and 90%. Often captured lorises are found in crates alongside the bodies of other lorises that have died. Why would any human want a tortured wild animal as a pet?

Slow Loris
Slow Loris mortality rate from transport stress is 30-90%

But Cibil wasn’t a shy and retiring Slow Loris. He had a trick up his sleeve. He knew the human’s weakness. They take our claws off, they drug us and also drill out our teeth. Those f*ckers! He’d seen on the television how the Coronavirus was ravaging the human world and claiming thousands of lives and collapsing economies. But so far he hadn’t heard a single politician actually blaming the cause of the virus on the right culprit. He had heard the humans blaming the Chinese, blaming markets, blaming weapons labs, blaming conspiracy theories. But he hadn’t heard the politicians blaming the actual cause, the humans. It was clearly the human’s destruction of the natural world that had caused the virus. Well if those humans weren’t going to learn then Cibil would brew up his very own Zoonotic disease and unleash it on the human world.

P*ssed Off Slow Loris Brews Up Zoonotic Disease

It was so clear to Cibil what humans should actually do to prevent the spread of more deadly viruses. To prevent major viral outbreaks such as the COVID-19 outbreak, and the associated impacts on human health, well-being, economies, and security on a global scale, Cibil knew the humans needed to stop all commercial trade in wildlife for human consumption (particularly of birds and mammals) and closing all such markets. Meanwhile, ensuring consideration of the needs of Indigenous Peoples and local communities that are dependent on wildlife consumption for their food security. Banning the trade in live wildlife for human consumption was clearly the first step to bring the planet back on the road to good health.

Slow Loris
Slow Loris

The commercial trade in live wildlife for human consumption was leaving humans exposed to the threat of deadly, zoonotic pandemics through viral spillover from wildlife to humans along the trade chain. Cibil knew this and would exploit the human’s weakness.

Cibil was at the end of his tether. After weeks stuck in his cage, he could endure no more. He’d had his teeth ripped out and the remnants of his nails oozed pus. Cibil plucked up the last of his strength. He’d spent the last week brewing up his only deadly zoonotic disease. With his last moments, his thoughts turned to his wife Simone and their two little Lorislings. He would never see them again and they would never know of his fate at the hands of the evil humans. But he would take his revenge. With his last ounce of strength he picked the lock of his cage, crawled out and hurled himself into nearest bowl of soup he could find.


Slow Loris
Slow Loris brewing up revenge

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