News from the Natural World: Try to Save the Odd Pigeon – Boris Johnson has accidentally leaked the UK Governments detailed conservation plan for the next 30 years.
Boris Johnson was pictured this morning walking out of Number 10 Downing Street with a dossier under his arm. The dossier had the words ‘Top Secret’ in big bold red writing at the top. Underneath this read the words “Entire Conservation Strategy for the UK”. Finally underneath that were the words “Boris’s Big Idea – Try To Save The Odd Pigeon or Two.” This caused a media outrage and Boris and the image immediately went viral, we managed to accost him outside Chequers and put the question to him, was this really his big plan?
“Well, I think saving the odd pigeon or two is pretty admirable. The rest of the native animals in the UK don’t stand a chance. We’re down to our last few Wildcats, Orca, Hedgehogs, Red Squirrels, Pine Martens etc. You know we actually set up an entire department called DEFRA. It would actively try to oppose any attempt to save our native species. In addition, DEFRA’s other aim was to stop the reintroduction of any previously native species. We don’t want Beaver or Boar back! The objective of DEFRA was to preserve the status quo so as to benefit wealthy landowners and land managers. Nature in the UK is not something that should benefit all humans. It is something to be controlled and managed so that me and the old Eton Chumsters can go grouse shooting.”
Try to Save the Odd Pigeon
Boris was really in his stride now and went on to say “You know people in the UK really have absolutely no idea what actually constitutes nature. Some people even think places like the Brecon Beacons and the Lake District are natural landscapes. It’s absolute ruddy codswallop. They’re effectively mass managed gardens. There’s barely a patch of forest that isn’t owned by the Forestry Commission or grassland that isn’t for farm animals. It’s ironic really that we named it the Forestry Commission, its primary objective is to chop down bloody forests not look after them. Anyway, I couldn’t give a flying haircut. The people don’t care, as long as we leave a few pigeons scattered amongst the bins I’m sure that will be fine.”
So there you have it, the entire conservation policy for native species in the UK is to try to save the odd Pigeon or two.
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