News from the Natural World: New Species of Whale says they’ve discovered a new species of Great Ape.
This week humans announced the ‘discovery’ of a second new species of Whale around the North American coast. However, the cetacean community is becoming increasingly irate with humanity’s attitude towards ‘discovery’.
Hydrophones across the world’s oceans have been picking up mocking, angry songs and clicks directed at the planet’s dominant species from a wide variety of marine mammals. With Whales and Dolphins of all sorts banding together in solidarity.
In an unprecedented display of unity, twin spokeswhales; an Orca, representing the Odontoceti, and a Humpback delegate for all Mysticeti, put forward their points to an underwater seismic listening device near the Azores.
New Species of Whale Irked
Humpback bachelor Atlas, was the first to speak. “You’re taking the piss right? ‘Rice’s Whales’? You’ve only just noticed an 11m animal that lives immediately south of the USA? And you’ve decided to name them in honour of a human? This is unbelievable. I am genuinely lost for words. I’m so upset with humanity that I’ve agreed to be here next to this bitch. She eats our calves, that’s how bad this is. Humans apparently like my kind for singing and acrobatics and the fact that we keep other mammals safe from sharks and these black and white bastards and all the while you’ve been paying literally no attention.
She gritted her baleen and carried on “It was bad enough when you started killing us for oil, that was pretty rough, and then you largely stopped that, thanks for doing the right thing at the 11th hour, but then you went and made most of the ocean deafeningly loud.”
She was really hitting her stride now ‘It is literally driving us all insane. I’d say we’re not gonna protect you from stuff any more but that’s nonsense cos that’s not what we’ve been doing anyway. You do know it isn’t altruism right? By denying them opportunities to feed we increase the likelihood that they’ll starve and thus reduce the numbers of things that try to eat our kids. Think about it. You think we can come up with bubble netting and don’t have a strategy for hurting our enemies? Grow up!”
Yep We Also Definitely ‘Discovered’ It
In addition, Orca matriarch Rosa continued on a similar theme. “What is humanity’s deal? Seriously, you imprisoned my kind for decades in San Diego and other places, then you start overfishing the waters just south of there to the point you’ve nearly killed all the Vaquita. You can’t find any Perrin’s beaked whale so you go and check if you’ve absent-mindedly murdered all of them yet, and then clap yourselves on the back for finding a different beaked whale in the process! How are the ‘Perrin’s’ doing? Oh, you forgot that part did you? Of course, you did, was it because you were distracted by three teenage boys ramming a few yachts, or because you clearly don’t care about any of us even half as much as you like to pretend?”
“By the way, do not pretend that the Bottlenoses dolphins like you just because they let themselves be hugged at beach resorts and come look at divers. Also, those junkies just like laughing at people. Jumping next to boats is so they can get a better look at ‘those stupid bald apes’. Furthermore, they even have special audio calls where they share their comedic ideas about humans with other groups of dolphins, they call them podcasts. Yes, it’s a really bad pun. That’s how little they think of your ‘society’.
TAKE ACTION – NOW
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