News from the Natural World: Jesus in fresh new bestiality scandal as he denies affair with Mary Pangolin.
Jesus has always been a divisive figure in the human world. For aeons, his actions, words and supernatural being have been debated over, then fought over and died for. Some argued that he was the Son of God sent to Earth to save humanity from its sins. They declared him the saviour of the human race and a source of miracles. Some people even wrote a book about him, apparently, it was quite popular. I don’t look in the children’s fantasy section of the library so I haven’t read it myself but alas many humans literally thought it to be the word of God.
Others argued that he was a Galilean Jew who likely suffered from schizophrenia of which delusions of grandeur, paranormal visions, daddy issues and hearing voices are common. All aspects of his birth, life and death have been picked apart like a priest at the collection pot. All aspects except one, his sex life. That is until now.
New evidence has come to light that could shatter the course of history. A team of archaeologists working in Bethlehem discovered an ancient set of ceramic bowls in an underground cavern beneath an old shop. They then named these ceramics the “Dead Sea Bowls”. The bowls showed images of Jesus in a strange ritual. They also had the engraving of John the Baptist so their authenticity was in no doubt. However, there was something incredibly controversial about the bowls. They showed Jesus sleeping in bed next to someone, the first known image of its kind. But what was terrifying wasn’t the fact that Jesus was in bed with someone. What was truly shocking was the fact that the image also showed Jesus in bed with a Pangolin.
Jesus in Bestiality Scandal
The bowls not only showed this image but also contained an engraving. The engraving said, “To My Beloved Mary Pangolin”. The image went viral and spread around the world like a Catholic Priest with Small Pox. Could it be true? Had Jesus been in love with a Pangolin called Mary? We finally managed to track down a descendant of Mary Pangolin and asked them ourselves.
“Oh yes yes, it’s all true, the story has been passed down in my family from generation to generation. Jesus loved my ancestor Mary all right, he loved her a ton. He used to stroke her scales at night and sing her to sleep. But it all turned sour when the Disciples found out. They mocked Jesus and said he was a fool, they said he was a beast. All the bullying took its toll on Jesus and it warped his mind. It turned him against Mary Pangolin and his love changed into a rage. He began to deny the affair and his anger was so great that he turned his back not only on Pangolins but on all nature itself.”
She was really hitting her stride now, “This all happened just under 2,000 years ago. Jesus was but a young man with wounded pride. The humiliation of his affair with Mary Pangolin would follow him wherever he went. He rejected nature and declared that man would rule over animals for eternity. But he reserved a special place of hatred for the Pangolins. He vowed that every 1,000 years or so he would unleash a terrible plague against them. In the year 1020 ad, he unleashed a rumour in Beijing that Pangolin scales had special healing powers. This ushered in a millennium of persecution against the Pangolin as humans traded their scales and snorted them. Pangolins became the worlds most trafficked animal.”
Denies Affair With Mary Pangolin
“But Jesus wasn’t finished there. In 2020 Jesus decided he would really get the Pangolins this time. He would also cause them to be blamed for the end of the world. So he set about weaving his wicked ways in a wet market in Wuhan. He moved a Pangolin from a cage and chucked it in with some bats and the rest as they say is history. Coronavirus ravaged the globe, lockdowns destroyed societies and COVID-19 destroyed lives. You, humans, blamed the Pangolins and said they were the source of the virus. But this was a lie. You humans were the source of the virus. It was your rampant destruction of the natural world which has led to rapid proximity increases between humans and zoonotic diseases. You humans are the illness, the disease is religion and Jesus is the plague bearer.”
And so Mary Pangolins living descendant finished her tale and set the record straight. It was clear that Jesus and Christianity had turned against the natural world because his affair with Mary Pangolin was uncovered. This caused quite the uproar and 2,000 years of Christian led Western Empires had destroyed the planet and left humanity with a vacuous consumerist system. However, whether her words would be heard was unclear.
Would the world hear the story of Jesus and Mary Pangolin or would it usher it into a lost footnote of history and carry on exactly as it had been…
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