News from the Natural World: Milking psychedelic Toads is the next logical step for the wellness industry.
Sonoran Desert toads are known for their hallucinogenic properties. They possess a potent psychedelic compound, called 5-MeO-DMT, which can be used for hallucinogenic purposes. Orally ingesting toad secretions has been referred to in popular culture and in scientific literature as ‘toad licking’ in the past, drawing much media attention. In order to get your hands on the white slime, you must tickle the animal’s glands until this is secreted. But while the licking has become more of an urban myth nowadays, researchers are concerned that the process of overmilking could result in a danger to the species’ survival. Also, a new threat is looming to jump on board the Toad licking trend. But, where should one look when trying to identify who’s going to jump onto the next trend with no shame? The Wellness Industry.
The Wellness Industry is a strange construction of the human world. It is full of ‘therapists’ with absolutely no training or expertise who are followed by mindless humans on social media. These ‘therapists’ proclaim to be talking about self-love and care whilst simultaneously trying to sell energy crystals made from fairy farts and lock people into Patreon subscriptions. Most sensible humans have rejected the entire Wellness Industry and turned away from its clear origins of a strange capitalist cult. But many others have flocked to the church of nonsense and worship its products like lunatics. “A moonbeam crystal that can cure cancer, of course, a salt rock lightbulb that can melt anxiety, why not.”
Milking Psychedelic Toads
But the Wellness Industry has to stay plugged in to the latest trends to ensure its moronic followers have something new to waste their money on every month. As soon as they heard of the supposed hallucinogenic benefits from milking Sonoran Desert Toads they knew this was the next big thing to launch to their followers. So the Wellness Industry set about harvesting the toads and extolling the eco-friendly and ethical nature of Toad licking. But scientists say the species is now under threat. In fact, many conservationists are now pleading with the Wellness Industry to stop milking psychedelic Toads. But what did the Toads think of all this? We managed to secure an interview with one of the leaders of the psychedelic Toads.
His name was Amphibian Unit-2 and he was the lead singer of a band called ‘The Grateful Frogspawn’. He had this to say “Look dude, I would never normally try and stop anyone doing anything you know. Us psychedelic Toads are all about free love and free life. I want humans to get as high as a Crested Newt in mating season. But, and it’s big but, we’re on the edge and my species stands on the brink. I really think extinction would just be the worst trip of all time.”
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