News from the Natural World: Gavin the Gorilla has been crowned the Crossfit All Species Champion.
Long has the rise of Crossfit dominated the modern sporting world. Fed up with the rigidity of weight lifting and the lack of camaraderie and teamwork of the average gym, Crossfit was spawned to inspire a budding new generation of athletes. CrossFit is more than a sport, it is also a lifestyle characterized by safe, effective exercise and sound nutrition. It can be used to accomplish any goal, from improved health to weight loss to better performance, well at least that’s what they told us. They said that the program works for everyone — people who are just starting out and people who have trained for years. But Crossfit has a big image problem, one that we animals weren’t too happy about. For you see the Crossfit Games would only allow humans to compete.
The team here at the Platypus had been petitioning Crossfit for months to be allowed to compete in the Crossfit Games 2021. We knew that there were certain species who would excel and thought it would be the perfect opportunity to demonstrate our superiority over the human athletes. To our surprise, our proposals were greeted with support. The ruling body that governs the sport announced that for the first time ever the Crossfit Games would be renamed the Crossfit All Species Games. For the first time ever animals would be allowed to compete.
Gavin the Gorilla Crowned CrossFit All Species Champion
Fast forward to today and after months of preparation, the games got underway. In the initial swim heat, there were some key favourites from the animal kingdom. Mark the Marlin stole the show with a fin melting top speed of 68 mph. Mark obliterated the competition with the next best human coming in at a miserable top speed of 6.8 mph. However once out of the water Mark rather floundered. Other animals continued to dominate the preceding rounds. In the monkey bars, Owen the Orangutan swung into the lead with ease, gliding across the bars as if walking on air. However, he was later disqualified for finally answering the age-old question of whether an Orangutan was strong enough to pull a persons arm out of its socket.
In fact round after round, the animals were winning. Colin the Cheetah was victorious in the 400-m run. Gladdis the Gibbon was invincible in the legless rope climb. Peter the Polar Bear broke the record in the squat snatch. You name the event, it was being smashed by an animal. However, as the day wore on all eyes turned to the final event of the day. The 1 Rep Max Event.