News from the Natural World: Commercial fishing heads to Enceladus after discovering only underfished waters in the solar system.
The human race was rocked by the recent documentary Seaspiracy. This film exposed the horrific reality of the human commercial fishing industry. We animals have known that you human bastards have been plundering the oceans for decades. Obviously, we know that the real reason is the population size, there are simply far too many humans. But for some reason you humans haven’t grasped this and blame it on other things like greed and apathy. We know these are essential parts of human nature which you’ll never be able to get rid of but rather than decreasing your population size, you focus on impossible solutions like using an 89-minute film to try to solve the crisis in the oceans.
All this is rather grim news for the commercial fishing industry. But there is new hope for the commercial fishing industry. They’ve found a whole new set of oceans to fish. Where is this magical world of underfished oceans?
This new world of bountiful seas is on none other than Saturns moon Enceladus. They performed a scan of all of the moons in the solar system and Enceladus was perfect. Enceladus is the sixth-largest moon of Saturn. It is about 500 kilometres in diameter, about a tenth of that of Saturn’s largest moon, Titan. Enceladus is mostly covered by fresh, clean ice, making it one of the most reflective bodies of the Solar System. In 2014, NASA reported that Cassini found evidence for a large south polar subsurface ocean of liquid water with a thickness of around 10 km (6 mi). It is this subsurface ocean that the commercial fishing industry intends to exploit!
Commercial Fishing Heads to New Moon
We managed to interview one of the founders of the plan, Captain Birdseye had this to say “We don’t know what we’re going to find but whatever it is you can be sure that it will end up in our nets. That’s what we do on Earth and we don’t see why it shouldn’t work out there. Our methods are tried and tested, we’ve managed to ransack this planet of all its marine life and we hope to continue this success on other worlds. We just get this f*cking massive nets and trawl the sh*t out of the water. Everything and anything ends up in there, it’s great. We think they’ll be a big demand for our new ‘Fish Tentacles’.”
So there you have it, commercial fishing heads to Enceladus after discovering the only underfished waters in the solar system.
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