News from the Natural World: Rio Tinto CEO Jakob Stausholm has refused to give up the rights to his home after a surprising discovery was made.
Rio Tinto has long scoured the earth for natural resources as well as profit. Wherever there is ore or minerals to be found they will send in their behemoths to destroy the land and extract the goodies. They will stop at nothing to take this natural wealth and have been led by evil psychopathic humans called CEO’s. However, the current CEO Jacob Stausholm recently got a shock when a huge deposit of Iron Ore was found under his home in Copenhagen. Against his wishes, Rio Tinto turned up immediately with their drilling machines ready to blast his home to smithereens. We arrived at the scene to find Jacob in tears on his lawn.
“This just isn’t fair, it’s my home, it’s been in my family for generations. Why, oh why, of all the places that you could find oil did it have to be here. I’ve got numbers to hit, KPI’s to hit, the targets just keep growing! Furthermore, those shares won’t rise on their own you know. Honestly, I swear to you if it had been under quite literally anyone else’s home I would blast the absolute sh*t out of it. I wouldn’t hesitate for a second. Your family could also have been there for generations. Hell, it could even have been in your family for 46,000 years. I’d blast it to get that lovely, lovely cash. But not MY home. MY lovely home, I’ve worked so hard for it. You can’t just take it away from me!”
Rio Tinto CEO Refuses to Give Up Rights to Home
But Rio Tinto was really having none of it. Finally, they argued past case precedence from the famous explosion at Juukan Gorge. This sacred site in Western Australia showed 46,000 years of continual occupation. In addition, it provided a 4,000-year-old genetic link to present-day traditional owners. Did Rio Tinto leave the site alone because it was also someones home? No, they destroyed it immediately to expand the iron ore mine. If Jacob thought a few generations of Danes were going to save him then he was very mistaken. As Jacob sat on his lawn, tears streaming down his cheeks he bellowed at the top of his lungs “I’m the f*cking CEO, you can’t do this, you bastards.” With that, a huge explosion went off sending Jacob skywards never to be seen again.
Rio Tinto CEO Jacob Stausholm was blasted into the sky by his own company today after an Iron Ore deposit was found under his home.
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