News from the Natural World: How to survive the pandemic – the Animal Kingdom has released its guide to coping with the human plague.
For many years now the animal kingdom and natural world have suffered under a colossal pandemic. This pandemic has pushed them out to the far corners of the globe and forced them from their natural habitats. Countless numbers of their species have been domesticated for work, food and worst of all Instagram dog mums. In addition, the human pandemic has sent many animal species into Extinction. This single species driven extinction has been so colossal that one human even bothered to write a book about it called the “6th Extinction”. Lucky animals. So this combination of massive human population growth, destruction of biodiversity, 6th extinction and mass industrial farming has led animals to declare a multi-millenium human pandemic. But how do the animals cope in the face of such horror?
We managed to interview a few animals and get some tips;
Olga the Orangutan – “Well my way of coping is simple. When I see them gawping at me with their cameras and gap year smiles I just pretend that they’re naked. You know it’s so humiliating for them, they have no hair at all really. A little bit on their head I guess but the hair on their arms and legs barely counts. That horrid hairless skin must look gross underneath all the clothes so I just pretend each and every one of them is naked.”
How to Survive the Pandemic
Caliph the Chicken – “I’m a battery hen and the way I cope is simple. I know that any animal that is needlessly inflicting as much misery as they inflict must be rotten to the core within. I feel sorry for them to be honest, all that stress, jobs, bosses, money, debt, addiction, wars, bombs and poverty. It doesn’t look so great being a human, to be honest. I’ve got my little cage and it’s pretty damn small but I’d take it over having to have a rotten black heart like them, humans.”
Frankie and Benjy the Mice – “We just feel sorry for their inferior intellect. They’re just so stupid and it’s embarrassing frankly. We just think they’re too ignorant of the pandemic they’ve created. They even had the gall to blame the recent COVID pandemic on a Pangolin and Bat when it’s so clearly self-inflicted and caused by their continuous encroachment into the remaining wilderness left. One human actually worked out that Mice were the most intelligent animals out there but we managed to eat all the remaining copies of his books, Douglas Adams I think he was called.”
Well, there you have a few tips from the animals on how to service the human pandemic.
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