News from the Natural World: Amazon Amazon – Jeff Bezos the Arch Greedmaster of the worlds most horrible company has finally secured something he has lusted after for a very long time.
Naming rights are a controversial thing in the human world. Almost anything can be renamed after a brand. The brand receives advertising and the seller receives cold hard human cash. Cars, transport systems, stadiums, buildings, towers and now also humans. In the UK class groups are also up for grabs. The working classes naming rights were purchased by William Hill. In addition, the Middle Class were snapped up by John Lewis. But humans didn’t stop there. The Moon was renamed The Musk after the CEO of Telsa bought the naming rights. In addition, the Milky Way was snapped up by Mars who renamed it The Milky Way Bar. It really seemed humans would name anything after a brand in exchange for those little numbers that denote power. But there was one thing that had so far eluded the humans grasp.
The Amazon Rainforest. The rainforest, covering much of northwestern Brazil and extending into Colombia, Peru and other South American countries, is the world’s largest tropical rainforest. It is famed for its biodiversity and is also nicknamed by humans as the “Lungs of the Earth”. It’s crisscrossed by thousands of rivers, including the biggest in the world. River towns, with 19th-century architecture from rubber-boom days, include Brazil’s Manaus and Belém and Peru’s Iquitos and Puerto Maldonado. We animals know that all life on earth depends on this rainforest. But surprisingly enough the humans have seen it slightly differently. They have systematically hacked mile after mile of it down year after year. They do this for timber, space for cattle and also for-profit and greed. But one human wanted to step up and save the mighty jungle. Finally, enter the Jeffmiester.
Bezos Finally Gets the Naming Rights He’s Always Wanted
Jeff Bezo’s is the amorphous representation of everything that is wrong with human capitalism. He is the original Capitalist Son. The Holy Stock. The Creator of Warehouses. Long has he desired the beautiful rainforest. For years he has sought to unite his company with the rainforest. All those lost clicks on wayward google searches. All that lost naming recognition, no, he had enough. There could only be one. So Jeff tabled a big for the rainforest and secured the naming rights. He immediately changed the name of the most important biological mass on the planet to the Amazon Amazon.
We asked Jeff what he planned to do with Amazon Amazon. Jeff replied “International brand recognition. Check. Vast supplies of timber to create vast quantities of warehouses. Check. An indigenous population that can be exploited, subjugated and also forced to work in my warehouses. Check. A corrupt ruling elite can be bribed into accepting almost anything. Check. It’s how we do business. The Amazon Rainforest is no more, this is the dawn of the Amazon Amazon.”
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