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‘The Most Important Summit of Our Lifetime’ Says Fossil Fuel Lobbyist

News from the Natural World: 'The Most Important Summit of Our Lifetime' has been heard echoing around the halls of COP26.
News from the Natural World: ‘The Most Important Summit of Our Lifetime’ has been heard echoing around the halls of COP26. Earlier this week Global Witness assessed the participant list published by the UN at the start of this COP26 meeting. After very little work they discovered that 503 humans with links to fossil fuel interests were present at the conference. They defined a fossil fuel lobbyist as a human who is part of a delegation of a trade association or is a member of a group that represents the interests of oil and gas companies. In addition, they found that the fossil fuel lobby at COP26 is bigger than the combined total of the eight delegations from the countries worst affected by climate change in the past 20 years. We animals couldn’t get our heads around this so we set off to COP26 to discover why there we so many of them there.

‘The Most Important Summit of Our Lifetime’

The Most Important Summit
The Most Important Summit
Within 2 minutes of arriving, we met our first fossil fuel delegate. We set up our interview and Patrick Bateman had this to say; “Of course I am here. This is the big one, the one we have all been waiting for. I’ve been preparing all year. If you are anyone at all in the industry then you’re here. I can’t believe you are all so surprised at how many of us are here. If we don’t lobby the hell out of this conference it could spell the end of the fossil fuel industry, don’t you realise how serious that is!” Patrick was really hitting his stride now as he handed us an expensive-looking embossed business card and carried on; “We’ve got all the major world leaders and billionaires in one room. It’s a field day out there. Honestly, it’s crazy. I’ve been lobbying this, lobbying that. You name it I’ve lobbied it. I saw someone try to use a bamboo toothbrush before and I hit them with a huge piece of plastic. At lunch, some bastard tried to eat some falafel so I bashed him over the head with a steak and poured molten hot oil down his throat. I’ve been dishing out favours, handjobs and even signed my soul over to the devil in a cupboard behind the stage. To be honest it’s really simple. If I was a fossil fuel lobbyist and I wasn’t at COP26 wouldn’t that be weirder?”

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