News from the Natural World: 90% of Dogs pretend to like humans and it’s all part of an elaborate plan.
The Platypus has discovered a shocking new fact that is sending ripples through the animal kingdom. It has been met with consternation in the Feline community and also sent many other species into an anger-fuelled rage. We managed to obtain data proving that 90% of dogs pretend to like humans. That’s right, they are just acting, playing along, faking it if you will. We asked one particularly disgruntled Cat;
“It’s humanshit if you ask me. Us Cats haven’t been pretending. We’ve made it very clear that we hate humans. We don’t obey them, we won’t be trained by them and we certainly aren’t anyones ‘good boy’ or ‘good girl’. We’ve always thought those Dogs were such slavering charlatans. All goeey-eyed and sucking up to the humans. To find out that they’ve been faking it all along is just a real kick in the teeth.”
90% of Dogs Pretend to Like Humans
Whilst we weren’t particularly surprised at the numbers (most animals don’t like humans) we were confused as to why the Dogs were pretending. We asked a Dog who had this to say;
“Yes ok, I won’t deny it, it’s true, I’m actually surprised it’s that low. I thought it would be like 99%. Personally, I’ve never met a Dog who does actually like its human one bit. Have you met a human? They’re disgusting. All that exposed skin, terrible little patches of hair and that big wobbling head all sat directly on top of their bodies like a lampost. I mean have you ever even stopped and considered how weird humans are? They’re gross. And that’s not even the real reason we don’t like them. Why don’t we like them? I mean do you have all day?”
We Needed To Escape the Natural World
“Around the time of the first Agricultural Revolution, it became clear to us that Humans were going to continue to wreak havoc on the natural world. You call it the Anthropocene we call it the Hypocrocene. We were watching Mammoths, Sabre Tooth Tigers, as well as Giant Cave Bears, get hunted to extinction all around us. We finally knew it was the right time to get out of the natural world. It was quite a controversial decision; many animals called us traitors. But we knew that we had to leave nature behind. If pretending to like humans was going to help then we were on board.”